Let's Continue to Read _The New Dinosaurs!_

As in Part One, this post will be illustrated with crappy photographs of the illustrations from the book. But it will also include some of the watercolor drawings I made as I was reading (as usual, click for big). Some of the more bizarre animals were too strange not to parody. Once again, we're going in the order you meet them in the book.

I am sure you remember the Lank. When I drew him all those months ago, I noted that he was the second most anatomically unlikely animal in the book - if I was remembering things right, as I hadn't read it in a while. Now that I have just read it, I can say with some confidence that the lank is the FOURTH most anatomically unlikely animal in the book.

This guy right here is the most anatomically unlikely animal in the entire book. He's a Wyrm. He's an armless, tail-less, long-necked burrowing creature who for some reason has retained stumpy little baby legs. And he is descended from swift-running, long-legged, long-armed, long-tailed small theropods.

This thing only makes sense if there were no other more qualified long-bodied burrowing animals at all available in this world to fill the niche. (It'd still look awkward, but it would be slightly more believable.)

Next up is the Gestalt. It seems like every one of Dougal Dixon's speculative biology books has at least one vertebrate that has adopted a colony or hive-like lifestyle. Some, like the Gestalt, even go so far as to have one baby-making Queen (pictured) and dozens and dozens of workers. At least the Pachycephalosaur-descended Gestalt isn't as unappealing as the Hivers (ant-like humans) from the already very disturbing Man After Man.

Our next animal brings us to my unofficial Dougal Dixon Speculative Biology Book Drinking Game. Anytime you come upon the following adaptation in an animal, take a shot:

Honestly, this is particularly bad in The New Dinosaurs. Every other animal in the book is, like, 30-60% fat rolls.

(Illustration by Jeane Colville.) The above rolls of fat are from the Coneater, who is fairly typical in appearance for one of the "fatty fat fat" animals in the book. She's an ornithopod who wanders in vast herds through the coniferous forests eating pine cones, which is perfectly fine from a conceptual standpoint. But it's bizarre to see such a fat animal with such dainty lil' feet. Especially in the inset where she's reaching up to eat - while raising one leg and her tail in the air as if she wants to put as much weight on one foot as possible.

(Illustration by John Butler.) These are Crested Sprintosaurs. Plains-dwelling, stumpy-tailed, antelope-like hadrosaurs. And they win my No-Prize for possibly being the most unintentionally ugly creature design I have ever seen. I never liked the look of these creatures, even as a kid. It's the guy in the upper-left that really gets to me. The eyes. The mouth. The hair!

On top of that, they now remind me of somone else...

(Shudder...)

This is getting to be a little longer than I expected. I'll stop arbitrarily at this fellow. He's a Balaclav, an ornithopod of the snowy mountains. And he is the third most anatomically unlikely animal in the book. He's got thick fur on his noticeably skinny legs and his tail - and no, I am not making that odd "forked" effect up. In the original illustration, he almost looks like a tripod. And, of course, he has rolls and rolls of fat protecting the rest of his body from the cold. This is another creature design that is downright ugly. Poor thing.