And suddenly, it is Autumn! So far the weather has been pretty mild and sunny, good for reading and ill-conceived still life setups. And musing about things that have recently caused major rifts in the areas of the Internet where I frolic. We'll start with something I am disappointed in (and lots of people appear to be largely in agreement with me) and go on to something I am unabashedly optimistic about (and lots of people appear to be largely in disagreement with me).
You know, it seems like only yesterday it was the day after the Superbowl and I was picking apart the trailer for "Terra Nova". In that post, I had a list of things I hoped the producers wouldn't do. Unsurprisingly, they didn't listen to me, but I was alarmed to see that most of those things were right there in the pilot. In hindsight, I wish I had added to my "don't do this" list things like, "no annoying children please", "no annoying teenagers either", and "seriously, guys, don't just be '"Lost" Meets "Avatar" - But They're in the Cretaceous!'"
Too Long; Didn't Read Version: "Terra Nova", I am Disappoint.
Extended Dance Remix: Let's begin in the Uncreative Sh**ty Future that the first ten minutes or so of the show take place in. It is basically the same old post-apocalyptic (post-"Blade Runner", more honestly) land of smog and traffic and overcrowded cities and fascist police and black clothing and in light of everything else absurdly easy to break rules and blah whatever. Since we leave the Uncreative Sh**ty Future and go to Terra Nova pretty quickly, I'm not even sure why it's even part of the plot, except that it supplies the Main Family with Angst. God, this series has Angst. So much Angst. Angst everywhere. Most of it comes from the kids and we'll get to them in a bit. By the way, way to talk loudly about your secret plans on the way to Terra Nova, Annoying Older Brother.
So through a series of events that is too stupid to recount here, the Main Family goes through the Totally Not a Stargate to Terra Nova (the place). This is where we must talk about how the hell time/dimension-travel even works in "Terra Nova" (the series). Through exposition that is way too easy to miss, we learn that this giant rift I guess formed out of nowhere and that things sent through the rift never came back. They assumed this rift must lead to another dimension (another easily missed bit that really only exists so time paradoxes aren't an issue even though it brings up a ton of other problems) because the signals from the objects were never received by the scientists who APPARENTLY HAVE A RADIO THAT CAN COMMUNICATE WITH THE DISTANT PAST HOLY SH*T! If you hope to have this magic radio explained, you will be disappointed. They also don't explain how anyone learned how, if the rift takes you to a different time and dimension on a trip that there is no returning to the future from, the rift led to a place that is even habitable for humans instead of, like, the bottom of the sea or inside a volcano or on a planet with a toxic atmosphere or no atmosphere at all or, hell, in the middle of nowhere in outer space. I'd go on and on and on about all this but I am starting to feel myself getting a nosebleed.
So Main Family go through the rift and immediately start Angsting at each other, like you naturally do when you are a human who is suddenly in the Cretaceous Period holy sh*t! And you have just escaped the horrible post-apocalyptic future. And you are experiencing the sun and the moon and clouds and stars and clean water and clean air and edible plants and trees and ferns and flowers and nonhuman animals other than cockroaches and Cher for the very first time ever. This freakin' series, my God.
Annoying Older Brother is mad because his father was in prison for two years, and now he's mad because his father is no longer in prison, and now he's mad because his girlfriend is back (?) in the Sh**ty Future, and now he's mad because there's nothing to eat but Duran Duran Fruit, and now he's mad because his iPhone doesn't work, and holy sh*t shut the hell up already Older Brother! By the way, raise your hand if you would rather see a series focusing on the first scientists to explore and build Terra Nova instead of focusing on this Boring TGIF Sitcom Family.
And then there is the youngest daughter. Sweet Raptor Jesus. Finally we Jurassic Park readers have our book-accurate Lex. I am so Goddamn happy about this you guys, you don't even understand.
So... we learn that there is a group of Other people who went through the rift and live in an Other part of the forest and want to do things in the Cretaceous Other than what Colonel Quaritch wants to do. They've adapted to the weird new world long ago and are in on the local Ontological Mystery (tm) involving mystery numbers. So, yeah, the show basically does look a whole awful lot like '"Lost" Meets "Avatar" - But They're in the Cretaceous!'"
Which brings us, finally, to the dinosaurs. Oh man. We got our first look at a motion-capture dinosaur and it looks bad. Like more herky-jerky in it's movements than something Ray Harryhausen would have animated. That bad. We also get our first look at one of Brannon Braga's invented dinosaur species and...
Goddammitsomuch, Braga.
It might actually be easier to post this, so here is your Art of the Day:
(Edit: Thanks for noticing this one, guys! [And see Albertonychus' comments below as well.] Can you tell at what moment I was done with this series?)
"But Trish, it's just a TV show! Plus something about how it isn't really the Cetaceous Period and how it's more about the human characters! You should, to borrow a phrase, really just relax!"
You know, I want to. I wish I could. But the sad, sad truth is that more people are going to watch Braga's bulletproof gorilla suit Oviraptor-things tear up tanks with their tail-blades and assume that what they're seeing is the Bakker's-honest truth than will ever pick up a book. Or visit a museum. Or listen to teachers and scientists.
Listen, there are still folks out there who have no idea Dilophosaurus didn't have a ridiculous frill-thing. To the point where you will see such things on cheap knock-off toys. And to the point where a sign in a zoo I once visited - and dear reader you cannot imagine how much I want to be making this up - assured everyone that it's actual alive Frilled Dragons do not spit poison. So when your much-hyped fictional species looks like a not-sarcastic version of Matt's Prehistoric TV Reconstruction Kitteh, that makes me very, very sad. People, dinosaurs were perfectly normal animals just like you and me, not something that looks more at home in a D&D Monstrous Manual. (And anyway, as has been established, the human characters suck.)
Man, to think a few weeks ago we were all complaining about a dinosaur documentary!
Ah well, speaking of things the Internet likes to complain about, how about the "Avatar"-based section of Disney's Animal Kingdom that was announced a little while ago? Here are my thoughts, which are edited from things I posted over at DisBoards' thread on the subject. (I do not recommend reading the whole thing, which is damn near fifty pages of mostly "Wah! This isn't what I would have done with this intellectual property I didn't happen to create or own the rights to! I know better than the people in charge of my favorite things!" Unless you have a very strong drink handy.)
Here we have Walt Disney World teaming up with James Cameron. Cameron is a filmmaker who is a notorious taskmaster who goes on many an ego trip -- but who ALSO goes big, shoots for the moon, wants to blow the audience's mind, wants to show people things they've never seen before, has created some of the best-selling films of all time with some of the most passionate fans you will ever meet, and who, above all, basically invents technology along the way just to get a movie made.
Hmm... just like Walt Disney did.
So I have no problem whatsoever with a Disney/Cameron Marvel Teamup.
Now as far as the film "Avatar". Very few people were enamored of the story, even the hardcore fans. Why did people keep coming back to the theater? Why were an alarming number of ordinary folks crying at night, wishing they could turn into Navi and live on Pandora? (To which I say, my God, pull yourself together and book an ecotour of Costa Rica. Earth is pretty too. And real.) I'll tell you why:
Pandora was built in excruciating detail from the ground up. Some of the most creative minds were put in charge of every detail. I was sold on the movie once I heard Wayne D. Barlowe and Neville Page were involved. (As you may have guessed, I am a creature design nutcase.) So this is indeed a world as detailed as, say, Hogwarts. (I'll give you Star Wars, since we're dealing with several planet's worth of Barlowe and Terryl Witlatch critters rather than one planet we haven't even seen the aquatic fauna of -- yet.)
So there are a lot of interesting opportunities to be had here. One possibility I like (aside from the fairly obvious "Trudy Lives!" flight simulator, "Soarin' on a Turok", and "Neytiri and her Forest Friends") is an exhibit of the real organisms who inspired the fictional creatures: Lemurs, Ocelots, Tube Worms, Birds of Paradise, Lanternfish, Butterfly Lizards, Tree Ferns, Raffelasia, Flower Hat Jellyfish, and a whole slew of plants and animals who are strange, awesome, and need more love.
I've got the same attitude I already had with the Fantasyland expansion: I'm trusting Disney can pull it off and am ready to enjoy something new. Because in the end, we are getting a new themed land out of this. You HAVE to agree that's worth getting excited over.
That said, here's an interesting thing to ponder that I didn't even think of until the folks over at another message board brought it up: If we're going to get a park-within-a-park based on a fictional planet populated with strange creatures and a fully realized ecosystem, why Pandora and not Barsoom? I mean really, Disney. You're usually so good at shameless synergy.
I didn't want to, but all the cool kids are doing it. Be aware that it is late and I may be running on a few glasses of White Zinfandel, so I hope this doesn't end up too incoherent. Link goes to the article at /Film.com:
So... It looks like "Lost". But with dinosaurs. Yeah.
OK, ok, I have made that joke before and I am going to try and cut it out. It will be very, very hard though.
The Paleochick's Digs has a pretty good analysis of the trailer and some information about the show I hadn't heard before. Apparently John Horner is a consultant, much as he was during "Jurassic Park". And he originally tried to convince the showrunners to set the show *after* the Mesozoic, in the Paleocene (but probably not the immediately post-apocalyptic part of the Paleocene). A world ruled by giant tyrannosaur-like birds and weirder things. I would watch the hell out of that, but less paleo-geeky heads ruled. Wah.
Comments at /Film have noted that there is some confusion as to when "Terra Nova" takes place exactly. Some plot descriptions put them 150 million years ago, others put them 80 million years ago. This is probably a case of Writers Have No Sense of Scale, because hell, what's 70 million years?
Fun fact: A LOT of major sh*t can happen in 70 million years.
150 million years puts them in the Tithonian Age (very, very late Jurassic), which would explain the Brachiosaurus who appears in the trailer.
80 million years puts them in the Coniacian Age, round about the middle of the Cretaceous. Fewer big sauropods, more giant crocodiles and birds, hadrosaurs, and unpopular theropods. No T. rex, but plenty of big toothy guys and also wonderfully awkward-looking Therizinosaurs and oviraptors. Not sure about that Carnotaurus.
And if this didn't make you twitch, producer Brannon Braga has been quoted as saying, "we have dinosaurs we know existed from the fossil record but you get to make up your own dinosaurs as well."
Important Edit: Traumador has helpfully noted that this is the same Brannon Braga who blessed the "Star Trek" universe with a little brain-tulip called "Threshold". "Threshold" is the ONLY episode of "Star Trek" out of all of them that is officially out of continuity; it's the only one that never happened as far as future "Star Trek" writers are concerned.
If you haven't had the pleasure of watching "Threshold", it was essentially Braga's answer to the question, "Why can't the Voyager crew just travel faster than Warp Nine to get back home?" It was teased with a trailer similar to this one:
So, anyway, this guy says he can make up fictional species to populate "Terra Nova".
God. Dammit. So. Much.
OK, look. I'm just a young picture-drawer. The idea that I could possibly have any influence on a big television series is the most wishful of wishful thinking. But I am well aware of the power of high-profile productions involving dinosaurs. Hell, look at some of the comments I have had on this piece. People are STILL fixated on "Jurassic Park" all these years later.
So on the offhand chance that anyone in charge of the show is reading this, here are a few modest suggestions for "Terra Nova":
1) Don't just make stuff up. Seriously, you can't do that. Especially since I'm willing to bet that the animals you're planning on just making up are a dozen different variations on the Killingyoubeeste. On that note...
2) Take a look around and you may notice that pacifistic little omnivores outnumber big, violent monstrous man-eaters by several orders of magnitude. The same was true in the Mesozoic, with one major difference I'll get to next. In short, don't turn the dinosaurs into the "monster of the week". We already have "Primeval" for that.
3) Humans should be a bigger threat to the big, violent predators than vice-versa. Because history tells us that this was and is the case in real life. Like it or not, we've done a capital job of killing off everything that can kill us; it's only been in recent years that we've realized maybe we shouldn't. And because this is starting to turn into the old Humans Are Bastards trope, let's play with it a little. Explore the issue of whether it's okay to hunt dinosaurs. Heck, let's go all "Sound of Thunder" and explore the issue of whether sending humans back to pre-human times is safe - not for the humans in question, but for the ecological stability of the world.
4) You don't realize it, but you are in a very, very powerful position. Listen, more people -of all ages, mind- will watch your show than will ever pick up a natural history book and read it. Or go to a museum. Or listen to teachers and scientists. You had better treat your position with some responsibility Showcase a wide variety of prehistoric animals. Don't feel you have to shoehorn in Triceratops and tyrannosaurs because you feel you have to when ankylosaurs, therizinosaurs, and carcharodontosaurs are clamoring for attention. Hell, don't just stick to dinosaurs either; depending on the time period the series is set, you've got weird crocodilians, toothy birds, multituberculate mammals, mososaurs, a vast variety of giant fliers and swimmers, and other, stranger animals. Make them as accurate as possible. And let's see some feathers on those theropods and little ornithopods, dammit!
Think of this: I will have to wear a tutu if you don't.
This probably isn't going to work, but I said that about the Macy's Parade earlier this (excruciatingly long, it turns out) season, didn't I? Just in case, I will give you plenty to keep you busy.
A Stranger In The Alps, who may just have the greatest online handle I have seen so far this year, recently posted a series of photographs from his trip to the Kenosha Dinosaur Discovery Museum. There is a wealth of reference to be found here, from this museum I hadn't ever heard of and is now a place I desperately want to visit some day.
I-Mockery paid a visit to the famous Cabazon Dinosaurs (as seen in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" and also possibly "The Wizard"!) And it turns out that they are actually stranger in person.
Also, it is the Year or the Rabbit! I am posting Symmetrical Sal here (instead of the more obvious Wild Carl) because he is, get this, my most popular upload ever at Flickr. Seriously, he has had 6,261 views. This is despite the fact that I probably spent the least time on this one drawing out of everything I've posted online. What the heck is going on here?
Anyway, I will have more rabbity things going on this week later.
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5:37 PM - Yeah Celtics! Yah yah yah!!! Also, there is a football game later tonight. (Naughty language in that link)
5:45 - I like how the ads for "Drive Angry" are (a) emphasizing that the thing was "filmed in 3D" because they have to do that now I guess, and (b) neglecting to explain what "Drive Angry" is actually about ("The Punisher" meets "Spawn". Really.) Meanwhile, FOX has a weird definition of "fun".
5:58 - Today I learned that the Declaration of Independence exists so that we could ultimately drink beer, play football, and anticipate summer blockbuster movies. Yup.
6:36 - (Took a break for dinner.) The Superbowl isn't as important as the Berlin Wall falling, WTF? It is a football game. Also, looks like I missed the "Kung Fu Panda 2" trailer. <: span="">
6:46 - Glad that "Far Side"-ripping-off Doritos commercial went in the less obvious direction. Also, WTF Audi?
6:51 - WTF Doritos cheese-obsessed guy And Pepsi has given us this year's Women Are Vengeful Evil B*tches Ad.
6:55 - By the way, I know absolutely nothing about football or how it works. I just got to the part about Tyrannosaurs in Greg Paul's book. I did enjoy the Bud Light product placement satire and the Chevy "Lassie" parody. Apparently, there is another "Fast and the Furious" movie coming out "in summer". Actual release date: sometime in April. The trailer actually said, "summer begins this April". I predict that there will still be snow on the sidewalk by then (although I certainly hope there isn't).
7:03 - Once again, WTF Doritos (They are sponsoring the game, so we're going to get to see a lot of these. Yay.)
7:06 - I guess Quetzelcoatl just wanted that KIA the most.
7:19 - Not sure if this one was just local, but I think we'll be hearing a lot of waargarbling over that Sealy's/Sleepies ad.
7:26 - I like how that last trailer was basically, "They allowed a third 'Bay-Formers' movie to be made; just to forwarn you."
7:28 - I got a Motorolla not-iPad it makes me diffrent an spechul!
7:33 - OK, here we go. LOVED the "World of Warcraft"-ish Coke ad (the look on the dragon = yay!) "Thor" looks pretty awesome. And the much-hyped mini-Vader VW ad was actually really cute.
7:41 - I wasn't the only one who got chills from the "Super 8" commercial am I? Love how it started like "E.T." and ended like "Cloverfield."
7:50 - No. No, no, no, no, no, NO NO NO GODDAMMITSOMUCH WE DO NOT NEED A CAR THAT WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON IN FACEBOOK F*** YOU WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THAT WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU GAAAAHHH! Also, "America! F*** yah!!!"
8:02 - Adorable Android mascot + Grafted-on human thumbs = There isn't enough in the world.
8:12 - You know what? Fergie came up with that "I'm so 2008 / you're so 2,000-LATE!" And she still loves it so much, she isn't going to change it. Good for her I guess.
8:13 - Oh hi, random Slash.
8:16 - If anyone's sick of the Peas, I have for you an alternative in the form of what is STILL the best song Fergie has ever been involved in:
8:21 - God, Chatter!Will.I.Am is terrifying.
8:45 - OK, thus far we've got to see: * - A dude licking Doritos cheese off his coworkers fingers and pants. * - A dude reanimating a disintegrated grandpa using Doritos. * - A cute little CGI robot with realistic human thumbs messily sewn on. * - An ostensibly cute CGI Will.I.Am with eerily realistic gooey human eyes. And now, * - A baby flying through the air and splattering it's face on a glass wall. (We are assured it is a doll, but still...) What the hell, creepy factor of this year's ads?
8:55 - That last one took forever to write. So... new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. Yeah. Also, momentarily saving money through groupon is more important than the plight of whales or the people of Tibet.
9:02 - In an earlier and very disappointing stop-motion commercial, Eminem assured us that he doesn't do commercials. OK. He has been in two commercials so far. Just pointing it out.
9:20 - Actual football playing. Meh.
9:23 - D'aww the classic (or not) TV characters watching football montage.
9:33 - I... don't know about "Rango". Nothing has really sold me on it yet. On the other hand, that Cars.com commercial was wikkid cute. Obligatory Animals That Think They're People Ad, this time from Bud Light.
9:36 - Eh, I could be sold easily on "Rio". (Awkward pause.) It has birds in it, you shut up. >:(
9:40 - And more actual football.
9:46 - Oh, just stop it, GoDaddy. Just stop it. S**t's getting old. The Bridgestone beaver was cute. The VW Beetle was freakin' adorable!
9:48 - Ba-hahaha, the "House" Mean Joe Green tribute.
9:57 - Teachers = Bad. Ass.
10:02 - OUR VERY FIRST "TERRA NOVA" COMMERCIAL HOLY CRAP! And... it looks like "Lost" with "Jurassic Park" dinosaurs. *sigh* I am still willing to wear a frilly tutu/the most ridiculous thing I find in Garment District/something equally embarrassing and inconvenient if we see a single feather.
10:07 - Oh, the Packers won. Yay, I guess. Look, the Pats screwed it up again; I wasn't too emotionally invested.
10:11 - The more I see of "Mars Needs Moms", the more... repulsive it's characters become. And we get to watch the Nightmare Fuel-errific Android with thumbs ad again.
10:34 - "Battle L.A." is DIFFERENT from "Skyline." IT JUST IS!!! And with that, it looks like we're back to normal ads. Almost time for "Glee"! New post on Tuesday, see you then!
EDIT: Most of the trailers are viewable over at good ol' /Film. And the rest of the commercials can be seen here.
So there is a show called "Terra Nova" coming to Fox sometime next year. You love dinosaurs, I love dinosaurs, we all love dinosaurs, so you might have heard of it. We know exactly this much about it:
1) It involves Steven Spielberg.
2) There's at least one dinosaur in it.
2.5) But don't call it "'Lost' with dinosaurs".
3) The plot has something to do with some humans from the future traveling through time to live in the Mesozoic era. Apparently the Earth is dying in the future and so people go back to the past to set right what once went wrong.
Now, call me cynical but it occurs to me that the plan to send humans back to pre-human times in a bid to fix the ecological catastrophes humans have caused in the future is... flawed. What if it just gives us another seventy-million years to eff things up?
(Light-bulb goes *ping!*)
Oh my God -- here's my bet on how this series will end. The humans settle in about a thousand years or so from the end of the Cretaceous, and it turns out that (wait for it) Natalie Portman was a swan the whole time! Also, that time-traveling humans contributed to the K-T extinction.
Also, I will wager you that whatever the plot actually is, the dinosaurs will still look like they did in the "Jurassic Park" movies. I am ready to say I will wear a frilly tutu or something equally silly all day long, with all the inconveniences that implies, if we see just one feather.
Sketch of The Day, right in the middle of the post!
Yeah. But never mind "Terra Nova" for now. Are there any shows on TV involving dinosaurs we could watch right now? Well, yes there are.
The first series is the one I have the least to say about, for ill and for good. It's called "Dino Dan" and it airs on Nick Jr. It is - and this is the intriguing part - made with the cooperation of the venerable Royal Tyrell Museum. You can bet your hindquarters the dinosaurs on the show are going to be as accurate as possible given the production date.
And the limitations of the animation budget. The dinosaurs are CGI creations (we will be seeing a lot of this) and the animation can get a little wonky. It's nice that the Compsognathus has feathers, but it also looks like he stuck his toe in an electrical socket. .
The premise behind the show is that Dan Henderson (awesome) is a kid who loves animals and knows an awful lot about them. And he sees dinosaurs where others don't. Aside from teaching the audience about Ornithodirans of all kinds, the show informs it's young audience that everyone loves small children who are insufferable know-it-alls total nerds. Interesting.
"Dino Dan" is at least far better than our second dinosaur-involving children's show. Then again, most things are. Currently airing in an early-morning death slot on The Hub, "DinoSapien" is a British/Canadian co-production. And it is *weird*. And I don't mean the fun kind of weird.
The plot: A girl goes to a dinosaur-themed summer camp in the woods and meets the titular creature, named Eno. Eno looks like what would have happened if E.T. had an illicit affair with Dougal Dixon's Dinosauroid (seen at the 2:00 mark). He is, all told, an odd-looking protagonist for a kid's show. On the one hand, I like that they aren't afraid to let Eno enter the uncanny valley (I can't help but think we'd have a horrific instinctual reaction to an actual flesh-and-blood anthropomorphic animal-person; I base this theory on the comments under those Orangina ads), but a part of me wishes he'd been allowed to be a little cuter.
He's supposed to be a kind of Dromeosaur, and he sports a few feathers but is otherwise naked. And he has really strange hands. He at least is a little more believable than the Diggers, which are another kind of dinosaur lurking around the campground. I have no idea what's going on with them.
The show itself is very reminiscent -for ill and for good- of the live-action sci-fi series from Nickelodeon in the early '90s. You're going to see a lot of bad animation and annoying children. I was beginning to feel very distraught over this project...
But then...
Oh, but then...
Let us now watch "Dinosaur Train". Indeed, let us watch "Dinosaur Train: every day. Because it might be the greatest and best kids' animated series with dinosaurs in it and should maybe even have a spot on my DVR in-between "My Little Pony" and "The Walking Dead" (someday, my prince will come ). But I am getting ahead of myself.
Initially, when this series was announced, people were skeptical. It was hard not to be when all we had was a title. Muses Ryan Roe of the great Muppet fan site "Tough Pigs", "they (must have) arrived at the idea of Dinosaur Train after rejecting Space Bulldozers, Kittens Eating at McDonald’s, Cupcakes Playing Drums, and Dead Bugs with Moustaches." And then... the show premiered.
I am not going to get to wordy here. People, there is an episode with Therizinosaurs doing Tai-chi. There are Therizinosaurs and they are in a cartoon for kids AND THEY ARE DOING MARTIAL ARTS AND THIS IS AWESOME!!! Also, they have feathers. Matter of fact, minor theropod characters are more likely to have them then to prance around naked. Nerd glee!
Addendum: More, and far more detailed, reasons you need to let your kids watch "Dinosaur Train" over at DinoGoss
Speaking of Muppets, those of you in the New York City area (specifically, Brooklyn) can attend the Muppet Vault Christmas event this coming Sunday! Nobody made Christmas specials like the Muppets, and the Tough Pigs gang will be showing some of their favorite lost classics. Perhaps they will include this crazy thing?
And if you are in North Conway, New Hampshire, you can do what my cousin and I did this July and visit the Christmas Loft. Granted, visiting this place during Christmas isn't going to have the same impact, but even so it... it is something to see, I can promise you that.
