Showing posts with label Dougal Dixon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dougal Dixon. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Dixon, Dinosauroids, and We're Desperate for a Dub: Let's Watch the "After Man" Specials from Japan!

Boy, I really wish we had subtitles for this one, but I'm glad to get to watch it at all.  Here is the rare 1990 Japanese documentary based upon After Man:

This wasn't too hard for me to follow even though I couldn't understand the narration.  It mostly reiterates the big points in the book, like that no niche in nature stays empty for long and that the ancestors of the animals we know today would've looked very odd to us.  We get to see a lot of Phil Tippet's animation from "Dinosaur!"  Dougal Dixon gets to visit the real lands and animals that inspired his imagined ones, which are brought to life through some wonderfully Harryhausen-esque stop-motion animation.  This is all delightful to watch but I really long for an English-language version, especially so I can better understand the sequence where we encounter our old friend the Dinosauroid as well as Dixon's... different... take on the concept.

Fortunately, we do have English subtitles for the "After Man" music video.  This was part of a program of short educational music videos called "Minna no Uta", kind of the Japanese equivalent of "Schoolhouse Rock".  Understanding the lyrics doesn't answer that many questions, but I really like the designs for the creatures here.

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Art of the Day!

JuneFae isn't over yet!

6.10.21 - It's Puck from "Gargoyles"!

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

The History of Speculative Zoology

Here's a very nice three-part series by Ben G. Thomas on the world of speculative zoology.  It's a fine introduction to a topic dear to my heart, and goes over most of the major works.  Enjoy:







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Art!

I can't very well let May end without some Mer-May art, now can I?

5.3.19 - Reverse Mermaid!

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Go Get the New Edition of _After Man_ (SPOILER Review)


Or ask Santa for it, of course, since it's nearly Christmas already?!?  Good lord, that snuck up on me.  I apologize in advance for not doing anything crazy this holiday season; I'm still rather burned out after Inktober.  Head here for Christmas things.

But anyway, yes.  Get the new edition of After Man.  I pretty much had to get it anyway because, as you can see from the above photo, my old edition is pretty much loved to within an inch of it's life.  How much?


I'm holding it together with duct tape, staples, and prayers.  The new version is a sturdy hardcover with tough, glossy pages and it is very very nice.  Like, have it as your official coffee table book for the delight and confusion of your holiday guests nice.  It's THAT nice.

It is also *slightly* altered from the original 1981 edition.  I'm happy to report that this isn't an outright George Lucasing, the original text and illustrations are left basically alone.  There are a few edits to the introduction, but the biggest one helpfully cleans up the circa-1980's "protomammals" mess and the others are treated more as footnotes of the "Look at the cool things we've learned about this since then" kind.  Two creatures have been redesigned, however, and so here come the Spoilers.  First,

Art of the Week:
Speaking of fictional creature redesigns, here's my silly attempt to give Detective Pikachu less... *jarring*... anatomy:

11.13.18 - Detective Pika

But also...

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Okay, here are the new After Man illustration spoilers.  Note that both the original and revised illustrations are credited to Diz Wallace:


So the new Reedstilt is fine.  Weirder than the old design, which was already deeply strange to start with.  I don't like it as much; the old version is a lot more graceful.

Okay hang on to your butts, here comes the new Nightstalker:


Okay, it's redder.  And more... sinewy...  I'm not a fan, but I admire the stones it takes to redesign one of the very few creatures in After Man who can truly be called iconic

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

"In the Year 252525..." Let's Read _Man After Man_!

Note: Many thanks to Sivatherium for his extensive archive of speculative biology books on his lovely Neocene website, because the book has been long out of print and asking prices on Amazon are outrageous.  His is the version of Man After Man I read for this review and do please read along, as I'm not going to post any illustrations.

Ah, Dougal Dixon.  We've already explored his two signature books on speculative animals, and we've touched on some of his more obscure and incredibly strange science fiction biology works as well.

And I swore up and down that I'd never do a post about his Man After Man: An Anthropology of the Future.

This is all due to my first memory of sitting down and reading the book.  I was young, innocent.  I'd just devoured both After Man and The New Dinosaurs and I was ready for more.  I found a copy of Man After Man, bought it, brought it home, and sat down to read it.  And I was deeply, profoundly shaken to my core.  It had upset me that badly.  It upset me so badly, and remember this is preteen-logic at work here, I threw the accursed book into the recycling bin in the basement because I just could not stand having it in the house.  So there's my glowing review of Dougal Dixon's Man After Man from some time shortly after it was first published in 1990. 

Well, I am older now.  I've read quite a lot of pessimistic science fiction and it doesn't shock me the way it did back then, so I am breaking that promise today!  It's time!  Get a strong drink and a comfortable seat!  Do as I did and load up Sivatherium's archived edition of the book.  Tune your radio to the very easiest easy-listening station you can find.  (If the bioparanoia apocalypse has a soundtrack, it'd be even mellower versions of James Taylor and Amy Grant songs and the "St. Elmo's Fire" theme*.)  Notify your next of kin, because all your most horrifying bad dreams are about to be lovingly painted in vivid, fleshy, body horror-y,


-y detail by Philip Hood.  (Great day in the morning, this is a particularly epic Dixony Rolls Of Fat waking nightmare.  You know the kind of sick feeling you get when you stumble upon somebody's uncomfortably specific fetish art?  Yeah... 😨)

Humans are bastards!  Everything is horrifying!  God is dead and we genetically engineered Him away!  Transhumanist body modification is either going to kill us all or make us into hideous mutants living in our own special Hell!  Let's read Man After Man!

Bit of a side-note first.  Tetrapod Zoology has written about Dougal Dixon's works extensively and I'd be remiss if I didn't direct you to this wonderful interview with DixonMan After Man has always had an uncomfortable place among Dixon's books, and this interview gives some hints as to why that might be: he really didn't want to make this book at all.  Add to that the controversy of whether the creatures in the book were... *inspired*, let's say... by these Wayne Barlowe sketches and you've got yourself a book that could scream "I am a thing that should not be" as loud as the grotesque people who inhabit it's pages.

The book begins with an introduction by Brian Aldiss.  It already sets a notably more dour tone than Desmond Morris' introductions to both After Man and New Dinosaurs.  He talks about previous science fiction books that explored the possible futures of humanity, most notably The Time Machine, in which H. G. Wells depicted two different future species descended from humans.  He supposes that Wells and his influences "would like this book, and be horrified by it: for we have, after all, traveled a long way since their day, and supped on horrors beyond their resources.  We have lived through an age... when we have almost daily expected the world to be terminated."

Surely, we are in for fun times for all with this here book.

Dixon gives us a very quick review of how the process of evolution works and then emphasizes that we humans, with our penchant for unnatural selection and for modifying the environment to suit us rather than vice-versa, have effectively "broken" it.  So then, how are humans going to change into the freakish mutants promised on the front cover?  Simple: Genetic Engineering!  This, indeed, may be one of the earliest instances of "genetic engineering is a new technology that is poorly understood and incredibly powerful and can probably do anything and is almost certainly going to end the world as we know it" in popular science fiction.  That's something at least.

Next up is probably my favorite part of the book: eight million years of human history given in a series of short stories.  This short-story format continues throughout the book, and that means where this book could have easily been a sort of freak show, instead it has an uncomfortable intimacy.  In Dixon's previous books, the text was more like a dry field guide, but here we are invited into the lives of individuals.  It's a subtle but particularly nasty way to remind us that no matter how strange the creatures in the book are, all of them, every single one, is a human.

The parade of body horror begins 200 years in the future and ends -quite abruptly- five million years later.  Modern humans as we know ourselves survive for about another thousand years on Earth until the shifting of the magnetic poles wipes us out for good; we're simply too reliant on technology to survive that.   Long before that, those who could afford to and who were deemed worthy went off to outer space to escape the ravaged Earth, in ships built, in part, by humans who'd undergone massive genetic engineering and body modification.  Of these, Cralym the Vacuumorph is the most extreme and perhaps the most upsetting.  She is a creature born to die, after serving her purpose of building the ships that will send her normal human parents to a new home. There is a question as to why people of the future would create such an extremely mutated human instead of, say, a machine, but this book has biotechnology as it's science fiction trope of choice and it's sticking with it.  Anyway, Cralym's story sets the tone for the wild ride we're about to head on.

And all told, this is some darn good "Far out, man"-style science fiction.  We meet the Mechanical Hiteks, cyborgs who are basically a brain in a box, and who are horribly vulnerable outside of their robotic vehicles.  The Earth is starting to recover by their time, and so the Hiteks create new species of humans to take the place of the large animals that roamed the wilderness.  The Hiteks themselves are succeeded by Tics, who live in what are essentially meat-mechsuits.  Yup, fleshy bio-engineered meat-mechsuits with those good old Dixonian rolls of fat as far as the eye can see.  They and the few remaining normal humans have the decency to die out, as previously mentioned, leaving the engineered new human species to their own agendas.

And oh we have such sights to show you.  The Memory People are blessed and cursed with a "racial memory" that allows them to find rich sources of food but also essentially leaves them with "Koyaanisqatsi" running through their minds at all times; they voluntarily let themselves go extinct, lest they be tempted to become industrial humans again.  Dixon's love of eusocial animals manifests in the Hivers, descended from humans modified to live on grasslands, they live in massive castles with a perpetually pregnant Queen (nope), and have a symbiotic relationship with a Seeker (nope), who starts off as a fairly normal humanoid with the psychic ability to find resources in harsh environments (what) and eventually evolves into a big-headed, limbless baby-thing the Hivers must carry around (nope).  And there are the Tundra-people and Forest-people made kind-of-famous by this:




The Forest people are the most similar to the ancestors of all humans, which means that they are both the most adaptable and the most prone to being right little bastards.  Once the technologically advanced humans are gone, leaving nature to take its course, they and the Tundra People diversify into the most bizarre mutants.  One group of the Tundra and Forest people eventually become telepathic symbionts, all because a Forest person, driven mad by cold, tried to hunt a Tundra person like this and ended up sat upon -but not crushed- by their would-be prey.  Sure.  Another group of Tundra and Forest people became host and parasite, the Tundra person becoming a walking mountain of flesh to carry and feed nasty little vampire guys.  At the four-million year mark things really get outright bonkers, with the Tundra people becoming "Sloth Men" who are preyed upon by Spiketooth descendants of the Forest people, who also give rise to specialized fish eaters (a dead ringer for the piscaverous ape in After Man) and, because this is a Dougal Dixon book, ant-eaters.  This is all after Forest people have been shown to make and use tools, so I don't even know.

It's in the Year 5,000,000 and a half where everything goes to hell.  This is probably the most infamous chapter of the book, where aliens invade Earth, enslave the mutants, mutate them even more horrifically into thoughtless biological weapons and living meat stores, and strip the land of all it's resources before blasting off again, leaving everything dead.

Did you guess who those aliens were?  They were the distant descendants of the humans who left Earth millions of years ago!  Woah!  It really makes you think, doesn't it?

Fortunately, all is not lost, as there are people who survive the Apocalypse.  Yes, the Aquatics!  For my money, these mans after mans are the most... haunting. It's the eyes.  And also the "mermaid tail" and the fact that we never really get an explanation of how it works, anatomically speaking.  And the most of them, really.  Anyway, these... merfolk... technically... they survive by camping out by the deep sea vents.  It's implied that once the world recovers enough, these people will repopulate the planet, and it will be full of life again.  So that's nice.  I guess.

Thank you all so much for joining me on this journey through the world of Man After Man.  I am going to have a lot of wine and a good long stare into space.

* - Sweet Christmas, somebody make a mostly straight remake of "St. Elmo's Fire" -- except all the characters are genetically modified affronts to nature.  Dammit, I want to watch this hypothetical movie right now!  I am so angry at myself for making myself want it so much!

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Art of the Day!


I am full of regrets...

_Man After Man_ Mermaid

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Bookshelf Tour Part Three!

Art books, reference books, and picture books this time, as well as some books I already mentioned in previous posts.



Jan Brett's Christmas Treasury - I love Jan Brett's art and this is a very nice omnibus of her charming Christmas-themed picture books.

Enchanted Drawings: The History of Animation, Charles Solomon - Outstanding, must-own art book and condensed history of (mostly American) animated shorts and features, with a few stops along the way to briefly discuss animated commercials, music videos, and special effects.  Starts with "Gertie the Dinosaur", ends with "Jurassic Park", and has a wealth of animation art throughout.

Your Favorite Seuss -Basic, but good, collection of art from Dr. Suess' classic picture books.

After Man and The New Dinosaurs, Dougal Dixon -The first of many speculative biology books!  I've reviewed both books before and while they are dated, they are essential for the science-fiction illustrator's collection.

The Alien Life of Wayne Barlowe - Criminy, I need to show more love to Barlowe on this here blog.  We'll run into his better known books later, but this is a very nice overview of his art and career.  It makes me long for a book showcasing all his creature designs for films, though.

Gnomes, Wil Huygen and Rien Poortvliet - Essential, gorgeous book.  I love the world-building so much.

Faeries by Brian Froud and Alan Lee and Good Faeries, Bad Faeries by Brian Froud - Faeries is yet another must-have for your illustrator's library.  It's gorgeous and inspiring.  Good Faeries, Bad Faeries is a fine companion.

Arthur Rackham, James Hamilton - Haven't had a chance to properly read this one yet, but it's a very nice collection of Rackham's illustrations.

Mythopoeikon, Patrick Woodroffe - A former library book I discovered at my college's book sale and it blew me away.  Great psychedelic art.

Since the World Began: Walt Disney World - The First 25 Years, Jeff Kurtti - An essential part of any Disney theme park nerd's library.

The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Birds: The Definitive Reference to Birds of the World,  Dr. Christopher M. (ed.) Perrins - Found this giant, beautifully illustrated book in Buck-A-Book and it's been in my library ever since.

The Encyclopedia of Animals: A Complete Visual Guide, Fred Cooke and Hugh Dingle - An illustrated animal encyclopedia is a must-have and this one's pretty good.



And here's a pile of picture books, any one of which I'd recommend heartily.  We're almost finished with the tour!

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Sketch of the Day

The first "Final Fantasy" continues to be strange.
3.26.15 Let's Play Doodles

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Let's Watch "Dinosaurs: Fun, Fact, and Fantasy"!

You know, I was all set to review "Dinotasia".  But right after I watched that, I watched an older dinosaur show that had been lying around on my YouTube "Watch Later" queue, and I found it much more interesting and worthy of discussion.

Tangent time for the curious: "Dinotasia" is a very strange edit of the animated sequences in "Dinosaur Revolution".  So if you've seen that already, it's not even worth your time.  Unless you love the melodious sound of Werner Herzog's voice, in which case you should watch "Cave of Forgotten Dreams" instead and become humbled as f*** as an artist.  The only thing different for me was I really noticed how frequently questionable the animation was this time.  Someday, dinosaur documentary animators will learn that CGI dinosaurs on a real live background for an entire film never look entirely right, and also that they are going about integument all wrong.  Until then... ouch.

Anyway, I called this show interesting, but really the more accurate descriptor is, freakin' fascinating.  It's from 1982, so it's from right at the last gasp of the pre-Dinosaur Renaissance way of thinking, so there are more than a few unintentional mind-screws seen thirty-one years after the fact ("Plodding Dinosaurs"?)  So here for your enjoyment is Picture Palace Productions made-for-video documentary for children entitled "Dinosaurs: Fun, Fact, and Fantasy".

Either that, or it is a collective fever dream we're all having involving singing crocodiles, a "Pokerap" but with dinosaurs (from before the "Pokerap" was even a thing, no less), magic dragons, and other, weirder things.  I don't even...?



(Note, I initially watched this because I had it confused with a Ray Harryhausen documentary with a similar title, but isn't that our old friend Dougal Dixon in the credits?)

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Sketch of the Day!  Inspired by an odd mechanic in a "Jurassic Park" game.

2.28.13 Sketchbook Page

Thursday, May 17, 2012

"No. Unless You Count Birds." - Let's Finish Reading _If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today_!

Ay-yi-yi, we're almost done!

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Here's that other strange-looking Triceratops I promised way back in the beginning.

The whole final section of the book may actually be the most brain-hurting.  It purpotes to be a "Question and Answer" section that intends to show some genuine non-speculative science in this otherwise very silly book. Well...

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

First off, that's a metaphysical question I never thought I'd see. Secondly, "Mammals are only here because there are no dinosaurs.  In the Age of Dinosaurs mammals were small... new meat-eating animals evolved -- first into giant flightless birds, and then carnivorous mammals."

So much wrong in one little rectangle of text, it boggles the mind.  And here is another unsuspecting human who looks like he was blissfully unaware of what they were going to use his photo for.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

But then the answer is "Yes" isn't it? Anyway, at least Dixon is nice enough to elaborate on this. Kinda:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Yeah.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

That's downright philosophical.  And what do people have against chickens anyway?

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

"I've always wanted to ride a Chocobo!"

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Yeah, so who else has ever heard of this "Vivaporous Pachycephalosaurs" theory? I've only ever heard of live-birthing sauropods and that was long enough ago to feel like a childhood fever dream. Elsewhere, Dixon notes that since their eggs are always in pairs, a female Troodon must have had a pair of "egg tubes" in her body where modern birds only have one, which, if true, is news to me.

And then, there's this:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

I feel Dixon stopped just short of screaming, "'Jurassic Park 3' is stupid, stop even acknowledging it!"  This is part of a brief listing of science fiction involving dinosaurs in modern times that mentions "Jurassic Park", of course, and The Lost World and Journey to the Center of the Earth and Pellucidar...  but NOT The New Dinosaurs.  Huh.

Anyway, it's time to touch base with an old friend:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Syntarsus sans Mohawk! Man, he looks strange without it.

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Sketch of the Day!

5.1.12 - Deinocheirus is Sick of This S***

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

"Save the Ichthyosaurs!" - Let's Keep On Reading _If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"!

Clearly this book is a goldmine.

Today, we're going to explore how Mesozoic creatures of the air and sea would deal with modern times.  As we've seen, most Mesozoic animals, when suddenly transported somehow to modern times, make a big conspicuous show of themselves.  These guys won't be any different:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Dear Quetzalcoatli, please don't mess with airplanes. Just don't. I've seen you do this before and let me tell you, it will only end in tears. (By the way, obligate scavenger Quetzalcoatlus.)

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

... ... ... What?

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

DIVER 1: "Shonisaurus! Oh, how majestic!"

DIVER 2: "It's only a painting."

DIVER 1: "Shut up, you."

To be fair, the painted animals look awesome especially since the CGI animals look so goofy. The Photoshopping is still so very awkward. To wit:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

This otter looks so happy to have caught a badly-Photoshopped-in painting of an Ammonite!

And this reminds me of another odd aspect of this book.  It happily ignores the fact that there were such things as fish, birds, small mammals, and such in the Mesozoic.  Scenes like this or the sight of a small pterosaur competing with small birds for food aren't quite as bizarre as the book makes them out to be.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Coming at this from a different direction, the book also ignores the fact that large predatory animals, giant sea creatures, enormous herbivores, and -duh- birds exist in modern times.  It's not so bizarre to see birds roosting in and flocking around the Statue of Liberty -- except they aren't as conspicuous about it. And dig the early interpretation of Microraptor. "We can be sure that it was brightly colored like the tropical birds of today," says Dixon, even though the Microraptors in the illustration are more subdued. Yeah.

And now, the second most-ridiculous image in the book.  Gaze upon it in despair:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

There is absolutely nothing I could add to this. At all. Moving on...

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

"Birds is Birds!" Yes, but Microraptor is classified as a Deinonychosaur, so...? And then there's the strange assurance that if you're a bird you aren't a dinosaur anymore.  I cannot emphasize this enough: that is like insisting that whales are no longer mammals.

And finally, the most ridiculous, and my absolute favorite, image in the book:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

I wonder if this person knew what they were taking her picture for?

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Sketch of the Day!

Yeah, what if dinosaurs were alive today?  Hmmm...   HMMMMM...

Minnie Sketchbook 3

Thursday, May 10, 2012

"No, What Are You DOING?!?" - Let's Continue Reading _If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today_

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

When last we left off in the big barrel of insanity that was Dougal Dixon's If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today, we saw a monstrously huge and very 90's Tyrannosaurus attacking a herd of longhorn cattle. This brings us into the chapter about how Theropods would have to deal with modern times.

We're going to ignore for the moment that, uh, there are theropods dealing with modern times, but we'll have to wait a while to get to them. For now, enjoy the above implication that if there were nonavian theropods around, we'd all be reenacting "Reign of Fire". Reason being that big theropods ate everything, including animals that hadn't even appeared in the fossil record yet:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Even the Hartbeeste is like, "I don't even know..."

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Note: not an image from that one Animorphs book with all the dinosaurs.

This is as good a time to note that obviously Dixon isn't attacking the "what if dinosaurs were still around" premise from the same angle he did in the New Dinosaurs. New Dinosaurs is the "Primer" of alternate universe nonavian dinosaur survival fiction compared to this. With this book it almost looks like they started out with the basic idea, "Let's compare dinosaurs to modern animals" and then things went south.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

I like how they just drop in the "warm-blooded" issue with no elaboration at all. Also, what?  No!  WHAT?!?

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

These "Gorilla suit" Troodons are all like, "We got your low metabolism dinosaurs right here!" More importantly, these guys are the first feathered theropods we see in the book. Brace yourself for a bunch of brain farts, including this strange looking "adult Troodon":

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Sticking with the maniraptors for a bit, here's a small flock of badly rendered crab-eating Oviraptors:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

This is a particularly strange Oviraptor behavioral theory that I've seen exactly twice; the other instance was illustrated by no less than Wayne D. Barlowe. I hate to be a spoilsport but wouldn't Oviraptor habitat be lacking in seashores and crabs?

And then we see this:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Alright, let's ignore the hilarious sight of a flock of Struthiomimids joining a horse race (like so many wild animals who like to run do today). "Struthiomimus resembled today's large, flightless birds... and were the ancestors of all modern birds."

What? WHAT? No. But... WHAT?!?

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Sketch of the Day!

5.4.12 - Sketchbook Page

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

"What in the...?" Let's read _If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today_!

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Full confession: our dear friends at Love in the Time of Chasmosaurs already covered this book, but I happened to order my copy around the same time Marc did and since there is WAY more than enough WTF-ery in the book to go around, he said it was okay.  (I will try to come up with different funny things to say about the illustrations we both picked to show.)

The book we shall be exploring this week is If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today, written by our old buddy Dougal Dixon with consulting from Professor Mike Benton of the University of Bristol.  Illustrations by Simon Mendes, Andrew Kerr, Roger Harris, Leonello Calvetti, Franco Tempesta, Peter Scott, Frank DeNota, and... Luis Rey?!?  Why do I feel as though this may be an old shame for him?  Even though -and this is the strangest thing- it isn't all that old; the book was first published in America in 2007 by Running Press Book Publishers.  That's... surprising, given what we're going to see.

So.  This book.  To borrow a phrase, it sure is a book.  It has pages that are stitched together, and those pages have words and pictures on them.

Okay, seriously.  This is a book about how well animals from the Mesozoic era would be able to deal with modern times... hypothetically.  See, there are moments where the goofy-as-hell premise is taken seriously and there are many MANY more moments when it isn't.  This creates its fair share of mood whiplash.  There are also some deeply bizarre moments that have nothing to do with the premise.  Basically, every two-page spread in this book has at least one thing about it that will make you say, "Wait, what?!?" I wouldn't dare spoil the fun by posting every single illustration here, since the book is available for dirt-cheap on Amazon. It's worth it to have a copy of your own to gawk incredulously at.

The fun begins right on the Table of Contents:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

So far this is the most recent book I have seen that associates Archaeopteryx with pterosaurs instead of other dinosaurs.  (I didn't mention it at the time, but Dinosaurs Discovered does the same thing.  It was slightly more excusable since that book is quite old.)  The weird thing is, now Microraptor is brought into the -ugh- "Flying Reptile" fold too.  Don't worry, there will be more brain-farts involving winged theropods later on.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

For now, enjoy this herd of elephants chilling with a Sauroposeidon who suffers from a severe case of Shrinkwrap Face.  Behold!

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

"Dear sweet Littlefoot... Do you know the way to the Uncanny Valley?"

Now, to be fair, it's neat to see the scale of certain prehistoric animals next to modern animals.  And this image is appropriately epic.  If you ignore the eye-bleedingly awful CGI and Photoshoppery.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

This might just be the nadir of "Pachycephalosaurs were just the dinosaur equivalent of bighorn sheep" paleoart meme.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

After we get to see a Styracosaurus facing down a White Rhino, we get to see the first of two very odd-looking Triceratops. We'll get to the other one in a little bit.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Now this illustration is our first focus on the probably unintentional underlying theme of the book: modern day mammals are just better at everything. We're told that poor Plateosaurus (whose neck looks painful) wouldn't stand a chance against a tiger. Well, no kidding! It'd be no more fair to drop a tiger in the middle of the late Triassic would it? I'm giving the stupid premise of this book way too much thought, aren't I?

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Oh God oh GOD, bad "Dinosaur" flashbacks!!!

At some point we're told that herbivorous dinosaurs would have a hard time of it in modern times since the foods they are used to are relatively rare and take many years to mature.  Even so, humans would domesticate them and not cows and pigs and whatnot.  This is a book that exists outside the land of logic.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Man, another sauropod suffering from the unspeakable heartbreak of Shrinkwrap Face.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

Said Diplodocus (Seismosaurus in the book) is part of a herd that has wandered into a busy commercial airport runway, like you do when you are a very big animal. "They would not be disturbed by the movement of taxing aircraft," Dixon assures us, "as to them they would be just like other big sauropods to which they are accustomed." Yes, because airplanes are what sauropods look like.

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

I have nothing to add to this. Anyway, time for one of the most ridiculous pictures in the book before we pause for now:

"If Dinosaurs Were Alive Today"

90's as f***!!!

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Sketch of the Day

5.4.12 - "Hey, Mister!  Whatcha doin'?"