Monday, March 24, 2014

The Princess Project - "The Little Mermaid" Commentary

Tweets originally posted on 2/6/14

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Right, where were we?

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Aw, I don't get to be an Audio Snob?

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Hell yeah, original studio logo!

I don't know if this is one of the things they changed in the George Lucased Blu-Ray, but I love this logo anyway.

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Yaaay!!!

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"Hey. S'up?"

Note: the following joke is an adult joke for grownups. Concerned parents, shield your kids' tender eyes. Ready? Here we go.

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Dicks everywhere!
Or you know, coral. Cause that's what coral looks like.

Why weren't we more concerned about the people who frame-by-framed VHSs looking for this stuff?

All joking aside, this whole opening sequence is (ahem) MY CHILDHOOD!!!

(Except not. MY CHILDHOOD would actually be the similar "Land Before Time" opening.)

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Me, IRL.

Alternatively...

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"Ugh, LOOK at that character design! This crab-thing is going to ruin the whole movie!"

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Anyway, KEEEAAANE!!!!!

Flounder, you look more like a guppy than an actual flounder.

Don't remember where but I read somebody classify Flounder as an Angelfish. Any marine biologist buddies want to weigh in?

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Already fascinated by humans. Stop being wrong about this movie.

Honestly, the craziest part of that "Frozen is False Feminism" article (which I will not be linking to here because... I can't...), the part that haunts my mind the most is...

...Well, it's the claim that effing *"Sucker Punch"* is more feminist than "Frozen" because, you see, shoes. Seriously.

But the other craziest, most haunting part is that this is the ONLY feminist reading of a Disney Princess film article I've seen lately...

...that *remembers what happens in "The Little Mermaid" correctly*. Go figure.

(After careful consideration, deletes screenshot that proves Ariel and Flounder are pursued by a lady shark.)

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Me, IRL.

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Oh look, I found Hipster Ariel.

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O_O Flounder is a freakin' shapeshifter!?!

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Okay. We're already at the Important Part.

Once again: Ariel is fascinated by humans and wants to join them BEFORE she is ever even aware of Prince Eric.

As I mentioned before, you can't even IMAGINE how many people analyzing this movie get this sequence of events wrong.

Really, Ariel might be the most misunderstood Princess.

(Aside from maybe Merida but we'll get to her. [Its the red hair isn't it?])

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So... she's a magical creature who longs to be a normal person. OMG, Ariel's a Reverse-Otherkin?!?

People look at me weird when I point it out, but really. Think about it.
(Reader backs out promising they will.)
No you won't.

Anyway, one of the greatest Disney songs of all time is happening now!

"I bet humans treat teenage girls with the utmost respect!" Oh, Ariel...

On a lighter note, look up cover versions of "Part of That World" for LOLs. Great song, really F'in weird out of context.

Though maybe not as hilarious as "Bear Necessities" covers. Good luck finding one that includes the ant-eating line.

"Ariel, you're under a lot of pressure down here." Did I mention this script is hilarious?

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"Hey guys! You think we could do this off a real ship?"
"Whatever, Michael."

Is there anything better than Max's nostrils? (The answer is Wembly's "Ung-Ung!" during Pass It On, but it's close.)

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Holy s**t at the expressions in this movie...

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Best faces. This whole movie. Really.

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Y'all love foreshadowing in Disney movies, yes?

Oh, and chalk Eric up as another Prince who's being pressured into getting married and...

Actually, this time he's NOT being pressured to start making some grandkids. So, there is that.

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Scuttle, you have a potentially dangerous misunderstanding of SO many things.

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The best faces. The best.

Oh, and Ariel has fallen head-over-caudal peduncle for a dude who she just rescued and, um, is of a different species.

But -and this is important- Eric also falls madly in love with her because she rescued him.

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The best.

And note: she only turns her signature song into "Part of YOUR World" now!

Say what you will about the villains we've seen so far in this Disney Princess movie marathon, but...

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...while they've all been psychotic, Ursula is the first to turn her victims into... this.

Yikes, looking at this now, it's like something out of Cronenburg!

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This whole musical number = pure joy.

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Ariel, girlfriend, this is a little weird.

More importantly, how in the blazes did Flounder get that statue inside the treasure cave?

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"... ... ...Ah, sh*t, I just accidentally made this whole situation worse, didn't I?"

Parents, if your kid is obsessed with another culture and wants to be one of them, have a long talk with your child.

Instead of, like, ripping up all their "Wolfs' Rain" wallscrolls or something, cause that'll make it worse.

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Once, an antagonistic Don Bluth character mated with something unpleasant from The Dark Crystal...

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"K-i-i-i-l-l m-e-e-e...!!!"

Okay, "Poor Unfortunate Souls" brings us to the other big misremembered controversial aspect of "The Little Mermaid". Ready for this?

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Ariel HERSELF POINTS OUT how messed up Ursula's arrangement is here.

"If I become a human, I will never see my family again...!"

And now comes the part I can't believe I have to clarify...

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It is URSULA who tells Ariel that girls should keep quiet! URSULA! The villain!

The very evil and off-putting VILLAIN tells Ariel she's better off without a voice! Not one of the good characters!

We're going to run into a lot of "A character says something degrading towards women in this movie!" - and then it turns out the line in question came from an antagonist during this marathon.

~*~ Intermission Time~*~

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Right, I'm back from my appointment. Now where were we-AAAAAUGH!!!

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Oh hooray! We're right at the f***ing TERRIFYING part!

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Me as a kid during this scene: "Um... Anyone need a snack? I'm headed into the kitchen for a bit..."

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Walt's mustache, that looks PAINFUL!

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Oh, GOD, what?!?!?

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"Yeah, this looks nice out of context! Use it in the ads! ALL the ads!"

"Just don't mention that she JUST had her spine bifurcated and deformed inside a giant bubble-uterus!"

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On the one hand, these backgrounds. On the other, Eric's castle seems... impractical...

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"(GASP!!!) The shells! The fish! The fountains! Architect friend, build THIS IRL!"
"Really, Michael?"

"Yes! And not as just a room, but a WHOLE hotel/convention center! Heck make TWO of these buildings!"
"(Incredulous stare...)"

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For those of you keeping track of dresses...

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In fairness, the real methods of maintaining Big 80's Hair weren't that different.

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The WB-ishness of #LittleMermaid was brought up earlier, and one of the reasons I love it is cause of gags like this.

Both "Kiss The Girl" and "Under The Sea" are full of gags so old they were new to us kids in 89.

I've seen people make a big deal out of Ursula calling Ariel "The little TRAMP!!!" Which is... another line said by Ursula.

I mean maybe there is a kid out there who's seem Ursula's actions so far and is like, "Yeah, she's right about that."

And that kid you need to keep an eye on. Because seriously...

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Anyway, I think I expressed my -er- slight confusion with Ursula's plan here before but to reiterate:

Step one: Turn into severe hottie and trick the Prince into marrying me Step two: ??? Step three: QUEEN OF THE ENTIRE OCEAN!!!

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"But I don't WANNA be turned into a tunicate-thing!!!"

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Best. Expressions. In this movie. The best.

Okay are we bracing ourselves for another dumb controversy? Cause here comes one I think we all remember.

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BUT THEY CUT THE PRIEST'S KNEE OUT OMFG!!!

And now he's left floating atop little creepy stump-legs.

Yup. This is all worth it so that people who do not understand how perspective drawing works won't mistakenly see a duck.

Ohhh, Autocorrect. You are my little gentleman. I will take you to foggy UK Pavilion Town, cuz you are my little gentleman...

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The actions of a person whose dialogue people are afraid their kids will agree with. Apparently.

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Best. Faces. Seriously.

Now, I'm not sure what Ariel and friends' plan here was either.

They keep Eric from marrying Ursula and... Ariel runs up and kisses him before sunset?

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Oh these poor guests. Except the lady in red, who's apparently jaded as eff.

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The face of a man who can't deal with who he came ascloseasthis to marrying.

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Oh GOD WHAT?!?!?

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"SEXISM IS OVER!!!"

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"Oh, you're f***ed."

Between Kaiju-Ursula and weaponized shipwrecks, the whole final battle is terrific!

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"Yay closure!"

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These backgrounds, man...

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Have never been able to exit water like this. Believe me I've tried.

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How come Mooney never put Ariel in this dress? It's awesome! Is it not sparkly enough?

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It's the last significant gasp of the 80's! Big puffy power shoulders for all!

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It's still the last significant gasp of the 80's! Rainbows and sparkles on all the things!

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Yeah!!! Team Renaissance Era!

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What...?!?

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Oh wow...

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I'm sad now...

2 comments:

raptor_044 said...

"... ... ...Ah, sh*t, I just accidentally made this whole situation worse, didn't I?"

I was reminded of this scene when watching HTTYD (specifically, when Stoick disowns Hiccup & then pauses, as if just realizing what he just did).

"Oh GOD WHAT?!?!?"

My reaction was more like, "Kate Moss?"

BTW, you forgot to mention the BEST part of the movie ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV2SpFi4nVY ).

-JD-man

Andrew Raymond Stück said...

Louis Armstrong did a pretty great cover of Bare Necessities that includes the ants line! I get your actual point though, it IS pretty weird out of context.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbUv_Tnnl2g

It's part of a whole album called "Disney Songs the Satchmo Way"! It's pretty great. You should check it out. :)