Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Tweet-Commentary of "Walking With Dinosaurs 3D"

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Who's up for live-Tweet-commentary? #SpiritCeratopsianOfTheSteppes #WalkingWithDinosaursMovie #WWD

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"A long, long time ago In a galaxy far, far away..." #ItWillAlwaysBeFunny

Alaska is flippin' beautiful.

Between this and "Boyhood", I need to visit Alaska some time. And also Texas.

I would be focusing on Austin (arty side) and Houston (Bakker's museum!) and probably nowhere else.

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Sweet! This is just what I always wanted in my dinosaur movies! Insufferable humans!

Major brownie points: the insufferable humans mention that birds are a kind of dinosaur like it's old news.

(Which, incidentally, it is. What's really going to bake your noodle is that whales are a kind of hoofed mammal.)

DISCLAIMER: I have already dipped into the wine in prep for this. Apologies in advance if autocorrect fails on me.

Brownie points docked a bit for Insufferable Boy being all Emo over having to go on a dinosaur dig.

I'm sure the kinds of kids who want to watch a very realistic dinosaur movie can relate to NOT wanting to be a paleontologist.

Major MAJOR brownie points for the little girl being way into dinosaurs/science/nature. This is a huge deal.

I am so happy about this, seriously. But…

I expect this movie to betray me as horribly as Rise of the Guardians as far as enthusiastic little girl characters go. >:/

"Well, Insufferable Emo Boy, since you hate dinosaurs, I will leave you in the Alaskan wilderness I guess.

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Where to begin?

"Hey, I flew all the way from Eurasia to bring you on a mystical journey, Emo Boy!”

-OR-

"Hmm, there's a little girl who loves dinosaurs…

"...and a boy who could not give a pair of fetid dingo kidneys about dinosaurs!…"

"Well, jee, we better send the BOY on the mystical dinosaur journey!" #ThingsThatMakeMeDrink

It took five God damn minutes. FIVE.

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Shitty 90's Transformation Effects Go!!!

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On the one hand, SQUEEEEEEEE!!!

OTOH, I want to kick the narrators. Hard.

When I saw the ads, I joked about how similar the invasive narration was to Spirit Stallion of the Cimmaron.

THIS IS ALREADY MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN SPIRIT.

Haven't heard any Brian Adams songs yet, so at least there's that.

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Brownie points for fully-feathered maniraptors, though.

Reminder that this shouldn't be as huge a deal as it is.

Still, this movie is worth watching with the sound off. The Animation is *pretty*.

Also, Pachyrhinosaur babies are CUUUTE!!!

And... our hero just got sh*t on. I will spare you the screenshot but this is a thing that happens in this movie.

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"I. I was standing. You were there. Two worlds collided..."

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THIS is what Land Before Time was missing all these years. A kid IDing the dinosaurs.

A kid INSUFFICIENTLY IDing the dinosaurs! :D

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This is why this movie is so tragic! The animation is gorgeous the dinosaurs look awesome! But that narration! That prologue!

I... was not expecting Barry White in this context.

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"A-playing rock-n-roll music through the hole in his head!"

No, really. This is a plot point.

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Still, accurate pterosaurs! Also should not be as big a deal as it is.

THEY ARE MAKING A "JOKE" ABOUT TYRANNOSAURS HAVING LITTLE ARMS FFS!!!???

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I'm from the future. You Pachyrhinosaurs want no business with rivers.

At least the dinosaurs in this movie look awesome, where Jurassic World looks like a long, drawn-out wet fart.

And at the 35 minute mark, speaking of wet farts, we get the "Oops, I stepped in your 'fear'!" line.

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THIS IS LITERALLY SPIRIT: CERATOPSIAN OF THE STEPPES HOLY SHIT...

Sadly all the Pachyrhinosaurs drowned in the Rapids, as the fossil record shows us.

Even the little cute ones.

ESPECIALLY the little cute ones.

AHAHAHAHA, I am lying! There's at least another 45 minutes of this!

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TIL: hadrosaurs love them some Fleetwood Mac.

The One Pachy Who Is A Girl is injured in the Rapids and seriously this is Spirit: Horsies Are Pretty.

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OVIRAPTORS!!! #AllIsForgiven #MovieOfTheYearEveryYear

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"Sua-pa-yaaq su-na! Ka-niq-siq! Pak-is-I-gin!" #BetterAnimationSetInAlaska

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Reminder that as much as I make fun of this movie, it is still seriously PRETTY!

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Seriously this is the best-looking bad animated film since... well, since Spirit.

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"Gee, maybe there's more to life than stealing the whole show in Blue Sky sequels..."

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"Look at my sweet-ass unicorn horn."

And now this is Bambi. Or stereotypical herd animal behavior.

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Sadly, all the Pachyrhinosaurs drowned in the lake, as the fossil record shows us.

Honestly, that's a dark undercurrent to this whole movie.

Why do you think we know so much about Pachyrhinosaurs anyway?

And according to Zachary Miller, Pachyrhinosaur characters in this movie are based on individual fossil specimens. Huh.

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LOOK AT THESE RAPTORS GOD DAMN!!! #SuckItJP4

Reminder that this would look dumb while a pretend genetic mishmash is teh awesome.

We must give a shout-out to David Krentz, the main character designer here.

He also worked on #DisneyDinosaur. Oof.

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Our hero Pachie is trying to summon Gwahiir. Sadly, Eagles do no exist yet As Far As We Know.

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And now, herd animals defending one member from predators. Like in real life. Ever.

Though looking at this from another angle, at least they're depicting the “gentle herbivores” as ferocious.

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BTW, the Gorgosaurs look awesome. Again, mad props to Dave Krentz.

Pachie and The One Who Is A Girl have babbies formed and this is literally #DisneyAladar all over again.

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Oh, yeah, hey, there are insufferable humans in this movie, remember?

As the adult version of that little girl who loves dinosaurs but did not get to go on Dinosaur Adventure…

…I hope whoever wrote that prologue can hear me wall-banging from here because I am doing it as hard as I can. I mean, FFS.

Because this kind of thing is f*cking *INESCAPABLE* in media when you are a girl who happens to love not-girly things.

There's lots of things that ruined #WalkingWithDinosaursMovie for me, but I think, in the cold light of morning, this ruined it the hardest.

I mean, I was prepped for the last-minute-addition narration/prologue.

The "Silly girls, dinosaurs are for boys!" thing blindsided me.

This movie was released in 3D in American theaters. I'm glad to say they never resorted to cheap 3D tricks.

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"Did somebody say 'cheap 3D tricks?!?!?!?'"

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"Cause here's something I wanted to SPRING on you!!! Wocka wocka wocka!!!”

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Oh hey, Louis V. Rey!

I'd still give something ludicrous to have him design the dinosaurs for a not-executive-meddled-to-death animated film.

End credits are set to a reprise of Tusk. Y'all know what that means...

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Correction: this is not Tusk, it's a song by Matisyahu?!

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Oh, this is awkward. I want to hug all of you…

-----

Sketch of the Day!

11.8.14 - Draw Dinovember

On that awkward note...


4 comments:

Albertonykus said...

Entertaining commentary as usual.

"And now, herd animals defending one member from predators. Like in real life. Ever."

African buffalo... but not much else.

John Smith said...

Yeah, I'd be furious if I were that girl. You love dinos? You don't get to see them. You don't love dinos? EPIC DINO ADVENTURE FOR YOU. I can see what they were trying to do - basically tell the kid "Hey, dinos are cool!" - but it still amounts to topsy-turvy logic like rewarding the wrong person.

This movie has much better graphics and designs than that Not-Jurassic-Park movie, for sure. It still boggles me that people thought the graphics in THAT film were good. The instant I saw the raptors, I thought "My god, this isn't a fluke; they're actually going with this incredibly fake look." The animation was worse: especially in the end fight, it looked more like a Mediocre Marvel Movie CGI Destructionfest than anything tied to Jurassic Park.

Between that and this massacred WWD film, when are we going to get that decent dino film we all wanted?

Scott Elyard said...

Awesome.

(And you should totally visit us in Alaska first. Summer is best, but it's also wildfire season.)

David Prus said...

I think this may just be my favorite review of this movie